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Porn of the Moment: "Bore My Asshole"

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Aubrey Addams needs to audition for Zumanity post-haste.

eshbot's Valentine's Day Gift Guide

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In case you forgot, Valentine's Day is next Wednesday—which gives you the rest of this weekend to meet someone, make them your significant other, and score reservations at a fancy restaurant. Once you get those three things down, you'll have to buy a gift too, because no one gets laid on Valentine's Day without a gift. (Sorry, no exceptions.) A dozen roses doesn't cut it these days either, so we're here to help you pick out just the right present to tell that special someone in your life that you would like to see them naked. Check out our handy, next-to-the-last-minute VD gift bonanza or you'll be getting handy by yourself next week.

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Food

First, you need to set the mood. Chocolate is nature's ultimate aphrodisiac, but just to make sure he or she gets the message, try these handmade confections from the Italian craftsmen at Giraudi. On the other hand, a chocolate replica of your own penis, might be a little too obvious.

· Giraudi Chocolates (giraudi.it, via SugarBank)
· Chocolate Clone-a-Willie Kit (chocolatefantasies.com, via radaronline.com)

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Intimate Apparel

Like we said before, the ultimate goal here is sexual contact and nothing plants that particular seed better than some sexy lingerie. You need something that says, "Put these on for 30 seconds, so that I can rip them off you." Start with this panty shopping guide and then pick out the item that best suits your mate, whether it's a lady, a fella ... or a complete geek. Internet protocol jokes never fail to make 'em wet. (For bonus points: stick one of these in there to generate some much needed buzz.)

· "A Practical Guide to Impractical Panties" (metroactive.com)
· "Top 10 Valentine's lingerie for women" + "What about the guys?" (intimateguide.com)
· HTTPanties (thinkgeek.com)
· Heart-Shaped, Wireless Vibrating Panty Insert - Whee! (Gizmodo)

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Toys:

Once you've got them revved up and ready to roll, it's time to close the deal and a good craftsman (or craftswoman) always brings his tools. Get the party started with Atomic Books' "Striptease Kit" (pole not included), then take things up a notch with a Valentine's Day edition of this designer "pleasure object" from Sweden's high-end fun factory Lelo. Bet you won't find that at IKEA.

· Striptease Kit (atomicbooks.com, via largeheartedboy.com)
· "Valentine" (lelo.com)

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Still stumped? Check out these other VD gift guides from About.com and NewYorkology. But whatever you do, do not buy your Valentine a heart-shaped potato. Unless you want you feelings mashed. (Sorry.)

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Previously: Scary Holiday Sex Toy Gift Suggestions, Fleshbot's Sexy Holiday Gift Guide Guide, Fleshbot Shopping Archives, Fleshbot Sex Toy Archives